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VOL. 37 | NO. 24 | Friday, June 14, 2013

More humorous quotes, some of which were accepted

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Finishing what I started last week, here are more “humorous” quotes I came up with for use in a “new” puzzle game – and which the editors rejected. That I ultimately came up with 30 deemed acceptable now seems miraculous.

“Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?” Robert Orben.

“For a man to remain a bachelor calls for a cool head – or cold feet.” Evan Esar. This was deemed dated. On reflection, I agree.

“Maybe the answer to selective service is to start everyone off in the army and draft them for civilian life as needed.” Bill Vaughan. I think this is hysterical.

“Conscience doesn’t prevent them committing all the sins there are, but it keeps them from getting any fun out of it.” Christopher Morley, alluding to something “Pop used to say about the Presbyterians.”

“The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant – and let the air out of the tires.” Dorothy Parker. The very concept of keeping kids home was tagged passe.

“There ain’t nothing that breaks up homes and nations like someone publishing their memoirs.” Will Rogers.

“There are two kinds of fools. One says, ‘This is old, therefore it is good.’ The other says, ‘This is new, therefore it is better.’” Laurence L. Peter. OK, this isn’t funny, but it sure is clever!

“There would be fewer accidents in the home if people would spend enough time there to learn their way around.” Evan Esar.

“When a man seems to have a vacant stare, it’s possible that a woman is occupying his mind.” Source unknown.

“The worst thing about a bore is not that he won’t stop talking, but that he won’t let you stop listening.” Laurence J. Peter

“I never dared be radical when young for fear it would make me conservative when old.” Robert Frost. OK, I admit that’s not LOL funny … but from Robert Frost?!

“[‘Gone with the Wind’] is going to be one of the biggest white elephants of all time.” Victor Fleming. No, not me. The guy who directed “Gone with the Wind.” Perhaps it’s only funny if you know who he was and what the future held in store.

“Did you ever get the feeling that the world was a tuxedo and you were a pair of brown shoes?” George Gobel. I was watching “The Tonight Show” when Gobel said this.

“Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other, who never forgets them.” Ogden Nash.

“I never drink coffee at lunch. I find it keeps me awake for the afternoon.” Ronald Reagan.

“You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to.” Woody Allen.

“Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson: you find the present tense, but the past perfect.” Richard Lederer.

“Only in America could Larry the Cable Guy get a show on the History Channel.” Andy Kindler.

Vic Fleming is a district court judge in Little Rock, Ark., where he also teaches at the William H. Bowen School of Law. Contact him at vicfleming@att.net.

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